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Kid wins Rubik’s Cube contest in record time! But he was later disqualified for using WD-40. His mother was also ousted from contest after testing positive for steroids.
Judge: “She beat me real bad, man. She beat me real bad…I think I’m in love.”
I normally drink decaf. For some reason today, I tried caffeinated coffee. I was climbing the walls, literally! People at the office were yelling at me to get down from the ceiling. I yelled back: “I don’t want to get down! I’m Spiderman!”
They got my sister to call me all the way from Israel to talk me down. She reminded me that I like Batman, not Spiderman. Eventually, someone threw a bottle of water to me, I drank it down, feel better, but there’s a feeling of awkwardness now at the office. Happy Friday the 13th. Don’t do drugs.
Here’s me. 3 days after the last game ever at Candlestick Park, with the security guard still trying to pull me out of the stadium.My arms are getting weary. Can someone please bring me some spinach, and maybe a cup of water?
So who’s with me? Who wants to join me, and show those greedy owners who the real 49ers fans are?
Stay 49ers! Stay 49ers! Stay 49ers!
Did you hear about the new soap opera? It’s the most popular ever. It’s called Facebook!
Right around 4PM when the 49ERS football game is about over, seagulls at Candlestick Park know it’s time to flock the stands to gather food left over by the fans. Due to the York family, who owns the 49ERS, and is moving the team to Santa Clara, the environmental impact if Candlestick Park is demolished, will be seagulls, including baby seagulls, will starve to death. The York family will have thousands of seagulls on their head!
If you want to know what I think of the new stadium, read this: Taking it in the End Zone
I like Candlestick Park. But now we have to get a new stadium because some whiners say: “Ooh, Candlestick Park is too cold, and there’s no Wi-Fi, my smartphone won’t work.”
Tell you what you can do. Get yourself a nice big antenna, and shove it straight up you’re a##. Then get yourself a cup of soy latte, and you’ll feel like you’re in a coffee shop. Then you can tell everyone: “Look at me! I’m my own coffee shop! I’m my own coffee shop!”
Now shut up. I’m watching the game.
If you want to know what I think of the new stadium, read this: Taking it in the End Zone
Why are people so complacent about the government shutdown?
Because the Internet replaced torches and pitchforks.
C’mon people! Let’s go Frankenstein on them!
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I received this message from a Republican politician:
“Dear citizen. I am sorry I failed you. I did my best to take away your health care and your government contracting job. Next time I initiate a government shutdown, I’ll do better by not only taking away your health care and job, but I will also burn down your house and eat your baby.
Please forgive me, and vote for me again on the next election. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you’d like me to do you any more favors.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Republican.”
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Some blond on Fox “News” commented regarding the government shutdown: “What would Ronald Reagan do?”
Nothing! Because he’s dead. Get over it, and move on with your blond life.
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During the government shutdown, I had to supplement my income, and I did some things which I’m ashamed of. So please do not buy these movies:
“Danny Does Daly City” and “The Sexy Trampoline”.
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Hey, Republicans! Darth Vader called, and he wants his evil back.