Moth and Riddler – Together Again

written by Danny Dechi

dedicated to actor Linda Gaye Scott

On a clear moonlit night, the voluptuous Moth, caped in her tight sexy shiny purple costume, sneaks through a window into the Riddler’s darkened lair. Her long, golden hair accidentally gets tangled in the window blinds.

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Moth: “Let go of me, you brute!”

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Startled by the commotion Riddler, dressed in his famous leotard, quickly sits up from his bed to turn on the light on his nightstand.

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Riddler: “Who are you?! What are you doing here?!”

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Moth: “I’m Moth! Tell your henchman to let go of my hair!”

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Riddler: “I don’t have a henchman. Your hair is caught on the blinds.”

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Moth: “Well, aren’t you going to help me?”

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Riddler: Why should I help you? What are you doing here?”

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Moth: “I’m here to help you.”

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Riddler: “You? Help me?”

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Moth: “Yes. I know you’ve been down and out. I’m your biggest admirer. I want you to be the good old Riddler, again! I just love your wit and your riddles!”

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Riddler: “Really?”

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Moth: “Like, what’s black and white and read all over? A newspaper!”

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Riddler: “Actually, that’s not a riddle. It’s a joke. And someone else’s joke.”

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Moth: “Okay. But I’m still going to rescue you and put you back in the headlines.”

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Riddler: “Riddle me this. When is an old man like a car?”

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Moth: “Ooh! Tell me! Tell me!”

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Riddler: “When they’re retired.”

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Moth: “Aw, Riddly honey. Is this how you want to live? In this old shack? Nobody remembers you. Don’t you want to be in the spotlight again?”

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Riddler: “The spotlight is what put me in jail. How did you find me, anyway?”

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Moth: “I just figured out your phone number, then traced you here. R-I-D-L-M-E-T-H-I-S.”

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Riddler: “Ridl Me This? That’s just a coincidence! I didn’t even know that my number spelled out like that! Here, let me untangle your hair from my henchman, Venetian!”

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Moth: “Thanks, Riddly. You named your blinds Venetian? Wow! You really are lonely.”

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Riddler: “Ah, no…  you see… uh, never mind. How did you come up with a name like Moth?”

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Riddler flicks his cigarette lighter for a smoke. Moth immediately becomes attracted to the flame. Riddler seeming annoyed, quickly flicks off his lighter and puts it away.

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Moth: “Oh, um. It’s my family name.”

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Riddler: “Wait! Are you the daughter of the notorious Killer Moth?”

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Moth: “Yes.”

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Riddler: “So, how’s he doing nowadays?”

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Moth: “Well, with a name like Killer… he’s in prison.”

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Riddler: “Yeah, makes sense.”

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Moth: “But, that’s why I’m here. I have a plan to clear my name and clear yours, too.”

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Riddler: “Hmm, you have a plan? I don’t know. What’s your plan?”

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Moth: “Steal from the rich and give to the poor.”

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Riddler: “You mean give to us? That’s brilliant! Brilliant, I say!”

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Moth: “Actually, I meant other poor people. But, yeah. I suppose it could be us, too. We’ll need some money to maintain our business.”

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Riddler: “Brilliant! Brilliant! Hee, hee, hee, hee! The people of Gotham will love us, and we’ll be rich! Yes! Yes! I can see it now! We will be known throughout Gotham City… no, the whole world! We’ll be known as the legends Robin Hood and Maid Marian of Gotham City! Brilliant! Brilliant! Hee, hee, hee, hee!”

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Moth: “Ooh, Riddly baby! You’re getting me all hot!”

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Riddler: “Yes, you are so hot, Moth. I wouldn’t be surprised if you ever flew into yourself!”

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Moth: “Ooh. So, are we a team?”

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Riddler: “Yes, we are a team, Maid Marian.”

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Moth: “Ooh. How exciting, Robin Hood!”

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Riddler and Moth close in for a kiss.

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Riddler: “Mm. Just remember, if you call me Robin Hood, don’t call me just Robin. Because, you know.”

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Moth: “Batman and Robin? Gotcha.”

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Riddler: “If we keep discreet, hopefully the dynamic duo won’t spoil our plans.”

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Moth: “Ugh, I don’t like Batman & Robin. They’re so violent. Although it’s so amazing how they make Pow and Bam pop up from their fists. How do they do that?”

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Riddler: “Ah, no… you see… uh… well, that’s why they call them the dynamic duo.”

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Riddler turns away to roll his eyes.

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Moth: “By the way, honey. Are your jammies also your costume?”

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Riddler: “Yeah.”

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Moth: “We’re going to have to do something about that.”

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They both kiss.

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A few days later, word out on the streets of Gotham there’s a Robin Hood and Maid Marian stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.

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In a laundromat, Moth dressed in casual clothes while hiding behind sunglasses, intentionally overhears two women chatting about the latest news.

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Martha: “Hey Ursula. Did you hear about some Robin Hood and Maid Marian going around Gotham, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor?”

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Ursula: “Yeah, Martha. Who hasn’t? I hope they pick me for some money. My little Audrey could sure use some leg braces. All she does is sit home all day, pouting.”

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Martha: “I’m not crazy about stealing, but I wish you good luck. It’d make me real happy to see a big smile on little Audrey’s face, playing with all the other kids.”

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Behind the scenes, Moth covertly phones Riddler.

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Moth: “Riddly, honey. I found another worthy cause.”

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Riddler: “Good. I’m in the middle of selling another Rolls Royce. Hee, hee, hee, hee! I’ll give details tonight and we’ll plan for our biggest heist, yet! Hee, hee, hee, hee!”

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Meanwhile, at Commissioner Gordon’s office.

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Gordon: “Chief O’Hara Jr., this dastardly duo Robin Hood and Maid Marian are driving me crazy. Taking from the rich and giving to the poor. We haven’t come close to catching them, and the citizens of Gotham are starting to get on their side.”

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Chief: “Commissioner, their intentions may be good, but stealing is still a crime. No matter who does it. I’ve got our best men and women on this case, but no one has even had a glimpse on those two.”

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Gordon: “Well, Chief. I guess we have no choice, but to… ”

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Chief: “Call on Batman and Robin?”

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Gordon: “I’ll phone in the Bat signal… ”

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Chief: … and I’ll call the Batphone.”

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Commissioner Gordon lifts handset from an old-fashioned phone.

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Gordon: “Larry, we have a situation. Turn on the Bat signal. Yes, now. Well, put the pizza on your lap. I need that Bat signal on now!”

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Chief O’Hara Jr. is having problems dialing the Batphone, pressing the dial first, then picking up handset.

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Gordon ends his call, then goes over to help his police chief.

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Gordon: “See this in my hand?! It’s called a handset. You first pick up the handset, and then dial the phone.”

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Chief: “Got it, Commissioner. By the way, why do we contact Batman with the Bat signal and Batphone. Do we really need both?”

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Commissioner Gordon ponders.

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Meanwhile, at the Bat cave.

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Batman: “Robin, Commissioner Gordon just called me. He needs our help capturing a dastardly duo calling themselves Robin Hood and Maid Marian. They steal from the rich and give to the poor.”

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Robin: “Holy anti-capitalism, Batman!”

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Batman: “Yes, quite a conundrum, boy wonder. But stealing is still a crime, no matter the reason. To the Batmobile!”

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As Batman and Robin race off to fight crime, Robin points up to the night sky.

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Robin: “Look Batman! There’s the Bat signal!”

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Batman: “I see it, Robin.”

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Robin, “Batman, the Commissioner called you on the Batphone, right?”

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Batman: “Yes.”

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Robin: “And there’s the Bat signal.”

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Batman: “Yes.”

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Robin: “Why do we need both?”

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Batman ponders.

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Meanwhile, Riddler and Moth are planning for their biggest heist, yet.

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Riddler: “Yes, my sweet Moth! Tomorrow, we will steal from the home of the richest man in Gotham!”

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Moth: “You mean, Bruce Wayne?!”

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Riddler: “That’s right, my sexy chickadee. Tomorrow, that handsome playboy Bruce Wayne’s millions will be ours! Ours! Hee, hee, hee, hee!”

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Moth: “Ooh, Riddly baby. You’re making me hot, again.”

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Riddler: “Yeah, Moth baby. Come give your candle a kiss.”

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Moth: “Oh, babe! Look up in the sky!”

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Riddler: “Drats! That dreaded Bat signal. Good thing I hired a couple of henchmen, just in case. Anyway, hot stuff, where were we?”

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Moth: “Ooh baby, is that a candle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

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Riddler: “But, I don’t have any pockets.”

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Meanwhile, back at Commissioner Gordon’s office.

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Commissioner Gordon, Chief O’Hara Jr., Batman and Robin are discussing the latest case gripping Gotham City.

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Gordon: “Batman, this Robin Hood and Maid Marian case has driven our police force crazy.”

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Chief: “We have no idea where to start.”

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Batman: “Well, commissioner. Today, Robin and I went to two of the crime scenes, and found two clues.”

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Gordon: “That’s amazing, Batman!”

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Chief: “Our police force looked for clues everywhere, and found nothing. You truly are the world’s best detective, Batman.”

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Gordon: “What clues did you find, Batman?”

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Batman: “Believe it or not, Commissioner. I found the two same riddles at each crime scene.”

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Robin: “Holy question mark, Batman!”

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Batman: “That’s right, Robin. Our Robin Hood might actually be the Riddler with a mystery woman sidekick.”

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Chief: “Do you think so, Batman?”

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Batman: “Maybe we can find out with these riddles.

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Batman pulls out a couple of pieces of paper.

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Batman: “When does a bee not fly?”

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Robin: “When it’s a letter.”

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Batman: “Very good, Robin. Our first clue is the letter B.”

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Gordon: “Excellent, dynamic duo!”

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Chief: “And the next riddle?”

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Batman: “When do two letters become one?”

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Gordon: “Well, two U’s make a W?”

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Batman: “Double U. Excellent, commissioner.”

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Chief: “So we have initials B and W? What could that mean?”

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Robin: “Holy Bull Winkle, Batman!”

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Batman: “That’s right, Robin. Bruce Wayne has the world-famous life-size glass moose in his mansion. Worth millions.”

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Robin: “That’s got to be Riddler’s next heist.”

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Batman: “Robin, we need to get to Wayne Mansion before Riddler and Maid Marian get there.”

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Gordon: “Do you want me to send you some officers, Batman?”

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Batman: “Not yet, Commissioner. We don’t want to raise any suspicion from the Riddler and Maid Marian. Robin and I will handle this ourselves. We will sneak into Wayne Mansion, and make sure no harm comes to Mr. Wayne and anyone else. I will let you know when to send your police force. Quickly, Robin! To the Batmobile!”

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Meanwhile at Wayne Mansion, Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler Alfred is tied to a chair and his mouth covered with a handkerchief. Riddler and Moth, dressed up like Robin Hood and Maid Marian are admiring the world-famous glass moose, surrounded by velvet rope barrier, in one of the many luxurious rooms of Wayne Mansion. Alongside the dastardly duo, are Riddler’s henchmen Q and A, dressed up like Robin Hood’s Merry Men.

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Riddler: “Hee, hee, hee, hee! Does Bruce Wayne think that he can really protect this valuable possession with simple velvet rope!”

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Moth: “Riddler, baby. How are we going to haul that huge glass moose?”

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Q: “Yeah, boss.”

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A: “It looks pretty big and heavy.”

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Riddler: “Maybe Alfred here, knows something about that.”

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Riddler removes the handkerchief from Alfred’s mouth.

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Riddler: “Speak to me, Alfred! Tell me how to release this moose!”

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Alfred: “You’ll never get anything out of me, you two-bit actor! You are an insult in the name of Robin Hood!”

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Riddler turns angry, braces to slap Alfred.

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Riddler: “Why you no good… ”

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Suddenly, Batman and Robin smash out of the glass moose, jumping into the scene of the crime.

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Batman: “Riddler! If you touch one hair of Bruce Wayne’s butler, I promise you’ll be pooping question marks for a week!”

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Robin: “Yeah! Question marks, Riddler!”

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Moth: “Wow, Batman. You know you both just destroyed an expensive work of art?”

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Batman: “Well Moth, fighting crime has its costs.”

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Riddler: “We were going to steal that, you jerks!”

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Batman: “Now, now, Riddler. There’s no reason to start name calling.”

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Moth: “How is it we didn’t see you hiding in that glass moose, Batman?!”

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Batman: “Bat mirrors, Moth. Bat mirrors.”

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Moth: “How did you find us?”

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Robin: “We figured out Riddler’s riddles.”

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Moth: “You left riddles?! Robin Hood doesn’t leave riddles!”

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Batman: “You just can’t help yourself, can you Riddler.”

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Riddler: “Get them, boys!”

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Batman and Robin commence fisticuffs with Riddler and his henchmen. Pow! Bam! Wham! While Moth just watches in disbelief.

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Moth: “Ooh! Look at all those Pows! Bams! Whams! That is so amazing! How do they do that?”

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After brief fighting, Batman and Robin defeat Riddler and his henchmen, tying up the villains together.

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Q-Henchman: “I gave up my job at Starbucks for this?”

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A-Henchman: “You, too?”

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Moth tries to run away, but Alfred who remains tied to the chair, bites down on Moth’s cape.

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Moth: “Leggo my cape! Leggo!”

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Somehow, Moth manages to drag Alfred and chair across the room. In the struggle Moth accidently tilts back the head of Shakespeare’s bust to reveal a button. She presses the button, opening a secret door revealing two sliding poles.

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Moth: “Are those poles leading to the garage?”

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Alfred: “Uh, yes, Ms. Moth. You know how eccentric billionaires can be. They can’t just walk to their car. They need to slide down poles.”

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Moth: “Well, I’m catching me a ride!”

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Alfred: “No, Ms. Moth! It’s dangerous!”

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Batman and Robin run in to help Alfred. Batman throws a Batarang rope, stopping Moth from escaping down the pole.

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Moth: “Please don’t send me to prison, Batman! Riddler and I did this for charity! We really wanted to be like Robin Hood and Maid Marian!”

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Batman: “Although your intentions may be good, stealing is still a crime, Moth. There are other ways to contribute to charity.”

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Robin unties Alfred.

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Batman: “Thank you, uh… ”

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Alfred: “Alfred. Alfred Pennyworth. Always happy to help the caped crusaders fight crime.”

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Chief O’Hara Jr. and his police force enter the scene to gather up the villains.

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Chief: “Thanks, Batman. We’ll take it from here. C’mon, Riddler. Back to your old cell.”

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As Moth is taken away, she turns to Batman.

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Moth: “Please, Batman. I really meant well. I guess I just didn’t go about it the right way.”

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Batman: “Well, Moth. Maybe someday you won’t be so tempted by the flame. But instead, give your light to the world.”

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Robin: “Holy poetry, Batman.”

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A policewoman escorts Moth away.

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Robin: “Do you think Moth finally learned her lesson?”

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Batman: “Only the candle of time can answer that, Robin. Only the candle of time.”

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Robin: “O… kay. By the way. Holy snowman, Batman! It’s freezing in here!”

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Batman: “Robin, maybe we should look into getting you some pants.”

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At Gotham City court Riddler, Moth, and the two henchmen await the verdict from the jury, along with plaintiff Bruce Wayne and District Attorney Harvey Dent.

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Judge: “Jury, what is your verdict?”

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Foreperson: “Your honor, the jury declares Riddler, Moth, Ps, and Qs… ”

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Q and A: “It’s Q and A!”

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Foreperson: “Oops. Sorry. Q and A, guilty on all counts.”

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Judge: “Thank you, jury. We will reconvene in one hour for my decision on the sentence.”

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Riddler: “Oh well, it’ll be good joining with my old buddies, again.” (Sighs)

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Moth: “Oh, no! I don’t want to go back to prison.”

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A spectator catches Q’s attention.

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Spectator: “Hey. Aren’t you the guy from Starbucks?”

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Q bows his head in shame.

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Just then, some spectators in the court room approach the bench.

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Man: “Please, judge! Don’t be hard on them. Yeah, they stole from the rich. But they helped so many people. They paid for my job training after I got laid off. And I’m going to have a job interview next week.”

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Woman: “And they paid for my rent when I got sick and couldn’t work. Otherwise, my little boy and I would’ve been out on the street.”

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Ursula: “Riddler and Moth really are like Robin Hood and Maid Marian. They paid for my little girl’s leg braces. My little Audrey just stayed home all day, watching through the window all the other kids playing. It makes me so happy to see her smiling now, and playing with other kids. Can’t you give them a break, judge? They meant well. They helped me and so many unfortunate people.”

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Audrey: “Please, Mr. Judge?”

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Bruce Wayne leans over to whisper a brief discussion with Harvey Dent.

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Harvey Dent: “Your honor. May I approach the bench?”

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Judge: “Yes, Mr. Dent. You may approach the bench.”

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Harvey Dent and the judge whisper a brief discussion.

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Judge: “I have come to a decision. Riddler, Moth, Ps, and Qs… ”

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Q and A: “It’s Q and A!”

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Judge: “Ahem. Q and A. All four of you will be sentenced to five years probation. But instead of jail time, the four of you will work as paid entertainers on a weekly basis for various charities as determined by the Wayne Foundation. Mr. Wayne will also provide room and board for each of you. And I’d like to add one more thing to you wealthy people out there. It’ll do you good to be more responsible citizens, and being a contributing member of society, like Mr. Bruce Wayne, here. Instead of playing games with our most unfortunate vulnerable citizens. Court dismissed.”

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Judge bangs the gavel.

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Moth: “Oh, thank you so much Mr. Wayne! I really learned my lesson this time. How can I ever repay you?”

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Bruce Wayne: “Just have a good show and stay out of trouble.”

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Riddler: “How come you never age, Mr. Wayne?”

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Bruce Wayne: “Well Riddler, I eat right, get plenty exercise, no smoking or alcohol, enjoy a nice cold glass of orange juice in the morning, or if you prefer something warm such as chamomile tea or mint tea, and try to live a stress-free life.”

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Riddler: “Yeesh. I didn’t need to hear your whole life story.”

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Moth: “Let’s go celebrate Riddly, honey. We’re free! And we now have an honest day’s work!”

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Riddler: “You’re right, babe.”

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Riddler and Moth leave the court room happily arm in arm.

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Bruce Wayne: “Thanks for doing this, Harvey.”

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Harvey Dent: “I just hope I never regret it. Entertainers? Do you think those two can handle the stage?”

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Bruce Wayne: “Are you kidding? Moth has experience as an exotic dancer. And Riddler… didn’t you see how animated he is? He’s a natural. He looks like a graduate from the William Shatner school of acting.”

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Harvey Dent: “Okay, okay, Bruce. Just let me know when’s the first show. I don’t want to miss it.”

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Bruce Wayne: “I’ll get you front row seats.”

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One month later, at the Gotham City Playhouse. Riddler is dressed in a loose-fitting Batman costume, while Moth is dressed in a very tight revealing Robin costume, fighting crime on stage in front of a packed house, including Bruce Wayne sitting next to Harvey Dent.

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Q and A, dressed up as villain mimes, have Moth tied up tightly in their invisible rope, pulling her slowly into a pit teeming with imaginary crocodiles. Moth struggles while men in the audience are salivating her sexy performance. An astonished mother covers her son’s eyes.

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Riddler swings into the scene on the Batrope.

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Moth: “Oh help me, Batman baby! The evil mimes are pulling me into a pit full of hungry crocodiles!”

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Harvey Dent whispers: “Batman baby?”

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Bruce Wayne whispers: “Okay. So, we have to work out few kinks.”

Harvey Dent whispers: “Funny you mention kinks.”

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Riddler: “Have no fear, Robin! I will save you from those evil mimes! You call that a rope? This is a rope!”

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Riddler hurls another Batrope, tying up the two evil mimes. The police enter the scene, then take the villains away. Riddler approaches Moth who continues pretending to be tied up.

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Moth: “We did it again, Batman.”

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Riddle: “Yes, Robin. As long as there is evil, Batman and Robin will always be there to stop the bad guys.”

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Moth: “But we’ll take some time for ourselves, once in a while. Right, Batman?”

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Riddler: “Yes, we will Moth. Yes, we will. To the Batcave!”

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Riddler and Moth kiss. The curtain drops to a standing ovation from the entire audience. The curtain is raised for Riddler, Moth, Q, and A to take a bow. Moths costume reveals a bit too much during her bow, so the mother covers her son’s eyes again, as the curtain drops to a continuing standing ovation.

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THE END