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5 second rule

Posted on May 19, 2023

Beginning in June, the FDA updated the 5 second rule to 33 seconds.
You’re welcome.

Posted on May 15, 2023

Thanks to 23andMe, I found out that I’m 78% Kermit The Frog.
Which explains my voice.

Updated on May 8, 2023

Remember, you can always end any conversation by simply saying:
“Because that’s how I roll, baby.”

Updated on April 21, 2023

Garlic breath! Oh, that’s bad! But if some pot smoker’s breath smells like they just licked an angry skunk’s ass…that’s fine?!

Updated on February 24, 2023

I got the cheap version of Audible.
It’s narrated by Porky Pig.

Posted on January 25, 2023

Posted on January 6, 2023

You know how people look up at the clouds, and see different shapes and forms?
I do the same thing with the spaces between movie credits.

Updated on December 28, 2022

I got a Chia Pet of Howie Mandel.
There are no seeds.

Posted on December 22, 2022

Sandwich place: “We’re trying to conserve energy. So, is it okay if Frank here, sits on your sandwich for 15 minutes?”

Posted on December 7, 2022

– Why did you get into stand-up comedy?
– For the free fruits and vegetables.