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He: “I’m Druff. Daniel Druff.” Me: “May I call you Dan… “He: “No.”
He: “Yay! I just got my medical marijuana card!”
Me: “What happened? Did you get a paper cut, or did someone hurt your feelings on Facebook?”
A friend says to me: “May I be brutally honest with you?”
I say: “Sure.”
Then he beats me up.
Another friend says to me: “May I be brutally frank with you?”
I say: “Sure.”
Then he beats me up with a frozen package of frankfurters.
Honesty is not always the best policy.
I have seen all of the previous Batman and Superman movies, even though I didn’t expect them to be good, but I will not watch the latest Batman vs. Superman. Just from watching the movie trailer, I can see that this movie is bad and doesn’t come close to representing the real Batman and Superman, or any of the other DC characters.
Creators of this movie used Batman and Superman characters as an excuse to make up some story whose characters could have easily been replaced with Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell. They figured by just throwing a couple of capes onto the screen, millions will flock to see this misrepresentation.
They try tempting me with an Amazon wielding rope, but I still won’t shell out money for this sham. Only way I might possibly watch it, is when it comes out on network TV during a Christmas Special.
Talking to a friend of mine who is a big Ted Cruz fan:
Me: “Hey, you must be happy Ted Cruz won big yesterday.”
Him: “Yeah…I guess so.”
Me: “You don’t sound very thrilled. I thought you’re Cruz’ biggest fan.”
Him: “Maybe…”
Me: “Wait, you’re not changing your mind because of that booger incident during the debate, are you?”
Him: “It was disgusting! I can’t vote for someone that ate a booger! Think of the leader of our country shaking hands with dignitaries and people!”
Me: “Or kissing a baby!”
Him: “Eww… gross! I’m outta here. Going home to take a shower.”
As my friend leaves, I call out: “All Republicans eat boogers! Look it up on Wikipedia!”
Thank you Wikipedia for allowing people to update your web pages!
They really make you feel like a pro football player at the Super Bowl experience, here in Super Bowl City! The moment you walk through the entrance, a 350 pound lineman tackles you to the ground. That was great! There were thousands of teeth everywhere! I also enjoyed being yelled out by an angry coach for no reason, while he was scratching his nails on the chalkboard.
My favorite part was being spanked by a cheerleader… oh, actually that was somewhere else, never mind.