Danny Dechi Standup Comedy http://dannydechi.com Off-the-Wall Comedy! Sat, 26 Jul 2014 19:23:00 +0000 en hourly 1 Fortune cookie: “Congratulations…!” http://dannydechi.com/2014/07/25/fortune-cookie-congratulations/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=fortune-cookie-congratulations http://dannydechi.com/2014/07/25/fortune-cookie-congratulations/#comments Fri, 25 Jul 2014 17:08:44 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1321 Last night at Chinese restaurant, my fortune cookie read:
“Congratulations, your new wife is in our kitchen.”

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Yoko Ono sings?! The horror! The horror! http://dannydechi.com/2014/07/07/yoko-ono-sings-the-horror-the-horror/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=yoko-ono-sings-the-horror-the-horror http://dannydechi.com/2014/07/07/yoko-ono-sings-the-horror-the-horror/#comments Mon, 07 Jul 2014 01:03:17 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1314 The horror! The horror! While listening to this, my cat committed suicide, and my dog bit me! I can’t call her a bad singer, because she doesn’t even qualify as a singer! She sounds like a horrible hurricane!
I can’t believe that a human being can be worse than bagpipes!
You shouldn’t forward this link to anyone! It can be harmful to children! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfZvHuh7wKM

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Yoko Ono on Letterman Show! http://dannydechi.com/2014/07/07/yoko-ono-on-letterman-show/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=yoko-ono-on-letterman-show http://dannydechi.com/2014/07/07/yoko-ono-on-letterman-show/#comments Mon, 07 Jul 2014 00:55:17 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1310 I was at that show, and I saw security stopping David Letterman from blowing his brains out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D750pEKhfd0

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Kid wins Rubik’s Cube contest! http://dannydechi.com/2014/06/13/kid-wins-rubiks-cube-contest/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=kid-wins-rubiks-cube-contest http://dannydechi.com/2014/06/13/kid-wins-rubiks-cube-contest/#comments Fri, 13 Jun 2014 20:21:47 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1288 Kid wins Rubik’s Cube contest in record time! But he was later disqualified for using WD-40. His mother was also ousted from contest after testing positive for steroids.

Judge: “She beat me real bad, man. She beat me real bad…I think I’m in love.”

 

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Friday the 13th Coffee http://dannydechi.com/2014/06/13/1284/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=1284 http://dannydechi.com/2014/06/13/1284/#comments Fri, 13 Jun 2014 18:27:30 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1284 I normally drink decaf. For some reason today, I tried caffeinated coffee. I was climbing the walls, literally! People at the office were yelling at me to get down from the ceiling. I yelled back: “I don’t want to get down! I’m Spiderman!”

They got my sister to call me all the way from Israel to talk me down. She reminded me that I like Batman, not Spiderman. Eventually, someone threw a bottle of water to me, I drank it down, feel better, but there’s a feeling of awkwardness now at the office. Happy Friday the 13th. Don’t do drugs.

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http://dannydechi.com/2014/06/13/1282/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=1282 http://dannydechi.com/2014/06/13/1282/#comments Fri, 13 Jun 2014 18:19:22 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1282

I normally drink decaf. For some reason today, I tried caffeinated coffee. I was climbing the walls, literally! People at the office were yelling at me to get down from the ceiling. I yelled back: “I don’t want to get down! I’m Spiderman!”

They got my sister to call me all the way from Israel to talk me down. She reminded me that I like Batman, not Spiderman. Eventually, someone threw a bottle of water to me, I drank it down, feel better, but there’s a feeling of awkwardness now at the office. Happy Friday the 13th. Don’t do drugs.

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Marijuana turns you into a baby http://dannydechi.com/2014/04/03/marijuana-turns-you-into-a-baby/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=marijuana-turns-you-into-a-baby http://dannydechi.com/2014/04/03/marijuana-turns-you-into-a-baby/#comments Thu, 03 Apr 2014 21:02:16 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1223 Here’s my take on legalizing marijuana: It’s bad enough we already have to put up with those stinking cigarettes. And then we also have to put up with people who drink too much alcohol and get stupid. But with marijuana, we have to put up with both the stinking smoke and the stupid person all in one, plus they get hungry, so pot smokers basically wind up being like a baby. A stinking, stupid, hungry baby.

They say that marijuana gets you high. No it doesn’t. This is high: “Yay, my team just won the Super Bowl!” or “Wow, I just got laid by 20 cheerleaders at once!” That’s high.

Marijuana gets you low, not high. Marijuana makes you say dumb things like: “Hi, refrigerator. You’re my coolest friend.” or “Hey, Dave. Look at my feet. They smell like the universe.”

They say: “How do you know you don’t like marijuana unless you try it?” Well I say: How about if you get punched in the groin? How do you know you won’t like it unless you try it? or Why don’t you staple your tongue to a pigeon? How do you know you won’t like it unless you try it?

And they say that pot smokers aren’t violent. Okay, pot smokers aren’t violent, but they cause people around them to be violent because we have to put up with a stinking, stupid, hungry baby.

News flash! A whole lot of people can’t stand the smell of pot!

Just like cigarettes and cigars, marijuana is also pollution. So, pot smokers, the only place you should be smoking marijuana, is straight up your stinking a##!

By the way, local news in San Francisco Bay Area reports how pot growers are stealing water from a children’s school, to the point that the school had to shut down for a while, and place locks on their water supply. And how pot growers are poisoning owls, because the owls are eating rats killed by rat poison spread by pot growers trying to protect their stinking crops. The pot industry will become as evil as the tobacco industry.

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http://dannydechi.com/2014/03/24/1221/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=1221 http://dannydechi.com/2014/03/24/1221/#comments Mon, 24 Mar 2014 18:54:01 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1221
If a comedian tells a joke, and no one is there to hear, will a tree fall on him?
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Wolverine – 20 Years Later http://dannydechi.com/2014/02/18/wolverine-20-years-later/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=wolverine-20-years-later http://dannydechi.com/2014/02/18/wolverine-20-years-later/#comments Tue, 18 Feb 2014 19:18:26 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1192 Wolverine Dechi

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Grammy Awards – boring http://dannydechi.com/2014/01/29/grammy-awards-boring/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=grammy-awards-boring http://dannydechi.com/2014/01/29/grammy-awards-boring/#comments Wed, 29 Jan 2014 18:45:45 +0000 http://dannydechi.com/?p=1176 Grammy Awards last night was so lame. Music was rhythmless, whiny, and boring. I guess this is what we have to put with, since having a generation of “musicians” who grew up on Barney the Dinosaur. I didn’t see a musical instrument until an hour and 15 minutes into the show. It was a piano.

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