Isn’t bad enough already that we have to put up with other stupid habits like tobacco, alcohol, and religion?!
Here’s my take on legalizing marijuana: It’s bad enough we already have to put up with those stinking cigarettes. And then we also have to put up with people who drink too much alcohol and get stupid. But with marijuana, we have to put up with both the stinking smoke and the stupid person all in one, plus they get hungry, so pot smokers basically wind up being like a baby. A stinking, stupid, hungry baby.
They say that marijuana gets you high. No it doesn’t. This is high: “Yay, my team just won the Super Bowl!” or “Wow, I just got laid by 20 cheerleaders at once!” That’s high.
Marijuana gets you low, not high. Marijuana makes you say dumb things like: “Hi, refrigerator. You’re my coolest friend.” or “Hey, Dave. Look at my feet. They smell like the universe.”
They say: “How do you know you don’t like marijuana unless you try it?” Well I say: Why don’t you try eating jello with anchovies? How do you know you won’t like it unless you try it? Why don’t you staple your tongue to a pigeon? How do you know you won’t like it unless you try it?
And they say that pot smokers aren’t violent. Okay, pot smokers aren’t violent, but they cause people around them to be violent because we have to put up with a stinking, stupid, hungry baby.
News flash! A whole lot of people can’t stand the smell of pot!
Just like cigarettes and cigars, marijuana is also pollution. It’s like being in the middle of a skunk civil war! So, pot smokers, the only place you should be smoking marijuana, is straight up your stinking a##!
By the way, local news in San Francisco Bay Area reports how pot growers are stealing water from a children’s school, to the point that the school had to shut down for a while, and place locks on their water supply. And how pot growers are poisoning owls, because the owls are eating rats killed by rat poison spread by pot growers trying to protect their stinking crops. The pot industry will become as evil as the tobacco industry.
Me: “Hey, look at that solar eclipse!” Him: “Aaaahhh!!! My retinas are on fire! Aaaahhh!!!” Me: “April Fools.” Him: “Aaaahhh!!! But it’s December! Aaaahhh!!!” Me: “Oops…my bad.”đź‘Ť
On a clear moonlit night, the
voluptuous Moth, caped in her tight sexy shiny purple costume, sneaks through a
window into the Riddler’s darkened lair. Her long, golden hair accidentally
gets tangled in the window blinds.
.
Moth: “Let go of me, you
brute!”
.
Startled by the commotion
Riddler, dressed in his famous leotard, quickly sits up from his bed to turn on
the light on his nightstand.
.
Riddler: “Who are you?! What
are you doing here?!”
.
Moth: “I’m Moth! Tell your
henchman to let go of my hair!”
.
Riddler: “I don’t have a
henchman. Your hair is caught on the blinds.”
.
Moth: “Well, aren’t you going
to help me?”
.
Riddler: Why should I help
you? What are you doing here?”
.
Moth: “I’m here to help you.”
.
Riddler: “You? Help me?”
.
Moth: “Yes. I know you’ve
been down and out. I’m your biggest admirer. I want you to be the good old
Riddler, again! I just love your wit and your riddles!”
.
Riddler: “Really?”
.
Moth: “Like, what’s black and
white and read all over? A newspaper!”
.
Riddler: “Actually, that’s
not a riddle. It’s a joke. And someone else’s joke.”
.
Moth: “Okay. But I’m still
going to rescue you and put you back in the headlines.”
.
Riddler: “Riddle me this.
When is an old man like a car?”
.
Moth: “Ooh! Tell me! Tell
me!”
.
Riddler: “When they’re
retired.”
.
Moth: “Aw, Riddly honey. Is
this how you want to live? In this old shack? Nobody remembers you. Don’t you
want to be in the spotlight again?”
.
Riddler: “The spotlight is what
put me in jail. How did you find me, anyway?”
.
Moth: “I just figured out
your phone number, then traced you here. R-I-D-L-M-E-T-H-I-S.”
.
Riddler: “Ridl Me This?
That’s just a coincidence! I didn’t even know that my number spelled out like
that! Here, let me untangle your hair from my henchman, Venetian!”
.
Moth: “Thanks, Riddly. You
named your blinds Venetian? Wow! You really are lonely.”
.
Riddler: “Ah, no… you see… uh, never mind. How did you come
up with a name like Moth?”
.
Riddler flicks his cigarette
lighter for a smoke. Moth immediately becomes attracted to the flame. Riddler
seeming annoyed, quickly flicks off his lighter and puts it away.
.
Moth: “Oh, um. It’s my family
name.”
.
Riddler: “Wait! Are you the
daughter of the notorious Killer Moth?”
.
Moth: “Yes.”
.
Riddler: “So, how’s he doing
nowadays?”
.
Moth: “Well, with a name like
Killer… he’s in prison.”
.
Riddler: “Yeah, makes sense.”
.
Moth: “But, that’s why I’m
here. I have a plan to clear my name and clear yours, too.”
.
Riddler: “Hmm, you have a
plan? I don’t know. What’s your plan?”
.
Moth: “Steal from the rich
and give to the poor.”
.
Riddler: “You mean give to us?
That’s brilliant! Brilliant, I say!”
.
Moth: “Actually, I meant
other poor people. But, yeah. I suppose it could be us, too. We’ll need some
money to maintain our business.”
.
Riddler: “Brilliant! Brilliant!
Hee, hee, hee, hee! The people of Gotham will love us, and we’ll be rich! Yes!
Yes! I can see it now! We will be known throughout Gotham City… no, the whole
world! We’ll be known as the legends Robin Hood and Maid Marian of Gotham City!
Brilliant! Brilliant! Hee, hee, hee, hee!”
.
Moth: “Ooh, Riddly baby!
You’re getting me all hot!”
.
Riddler: “Yes, you are so
hot, Moth. I wouldn’t be surprised if you ever flew into yourself!”
.
Moth: “Ooh. So, are we a
team?”
.
Riddler: “Yes, we are a team,
Maid Marian.”
.
Moth: “Ooh. How exciting,
Robin Hood!”
.
Riddler and Moth close in for
a kiss.
.
Riddler: “Mm. Just remember,
if you call me Robin Hood, don’t call me just Robin. Because, you know.”
.
Moth: “Batman and Robin?
Gotcha.”
.
Riddler: “If we keep
discreet, hopefully the dynamic duo won’t spoil our plans.”
.
Moth: “Ugh, I don’t like
Batman & Robin. They’re so violent. Although it’s so amazing how they make
Pow and Bam pop up from their fists. How do they do that?”
.
Riddler: “Ah, no… you see…
uh… well, that’s why they call them the dynamic duo.”
.
Riddler turns away to roll
his eyes.
.
Moth: “By the way, honey. Are
your jammies also your costume?”
.
Riddler: “Yeah.”
.
Moth: “We’re going to have to
do something about that.”
.
They both kiss.
.
A few days later, word out on
the streets of Gotham there’s a Robin Hood and Maid Marian stealing from the
rich and giving to the poor.
.
In a laundromat, Moth dressed
in casual clothes while hiding behind sunglasses, intentionally overhears two
women chatting about the latest news.
.
Martha: “Hey Ursula. Did you
hear about some Robin Hood and Maid Marian going around Gotham, stealing from
the rich and giving to the poor?”
.
Ursula: “Yeah, Martha. Who
hasn’t? I hope they pick me for some money. My little Audrey could sure use
some leg braces. All she does is sit home all day, pouting.”
.
Martha: “I’m not crazy about
stealing, but I wish you good luck. It’d make me real happy to see a big smile
on little Audrey’s face, playing with all the other kids.”
.
Behind the scenes, Moth covertly
phones Riddler.
.
Moth: “Riddly, honey. I found
another worthy cause.”
.
Riddler: “Good. I’m in the
middle of selling another Rolls Royce. Hee, hee, hee, hee! I’ll give details
tonight and we’ll plan for our biggest heist, yet! Hee, hee, hee, hee!”
.
Meanwhile, at Commissioner
Gordon’s office.
.
Gordon: “Chief O’Hara Jr., this
dastardly duo Robin Hood and Maid Marian are driving me crazy. Taking from the
rich and giving to the poor. We haven’t come close to catching them, and the
citizens of Gotham are starting to get on their side.”
.
Chief: “Commissioner, their
intentions may be good, but stealing is still a crime. No matter who does it. I’ve
got our best men and women on this case, but no one has even had a glimpse on
those two.”
.
Gordon: “Well, Chief. I guess
we have no choice, but to… ”
.
Chief: “Call on Batman and
Robin?”
.
Gordon: “I’ll phone in the
Bat signal… ”
.
Chief: … and I’ll call the
Batphone.”
.
Commissioner Gordon lifts handset
from an old-fashioned phone.
.
Gordon: “Larry, we have a
situation. Turn on the Bat signal. Yes, now. Well, put the pizza on your lap. I
need that Bat signal on now!”
.
Chief O’Hara Jr. is having
problems dialing the Batphone, pressing the dial first, then picking up
handset.
.
Gordon ends his call, then
goes over to help his police chief.
.
Gordon: “See this in my
hand?! It’s called a handset. You first pick up the handset, and then dial the
phone.”
.
Chief: “Got it, Commissioner.
By the way, why do we contact Batman with the Bat signal and Batphone. Do we
really need both?”
.
Commissioner Gordon ponders.
.
Meanwhile, at the Bat cave.
.
Batman: “Robin, Commissioner
Gordon just called me. He needs our help capturing a dastardly duo calling
themselves Robin Hood and Maid Marian. They steal from the rich and give to the
poor.”
.
Robin: “Holy anti-capitalism,
Batman!”
.
Batman: “Yes, quite a
conundrum, boy wonder. But stealing is still a crime, no matter the reason. To
the Batmobile!”
.
As Batman and Robin race off
to fight crime, Robin points up to the night sky.
.
Robin: “Look Batman! There’s
the Bat signal!”
.
Batman: “I see it, Robin.”
.
Robin, “Batman, the
Commissioner called you on the Batphone, right?”
.
Batman: “Yes.”
.
Robin: “And there’s the Bat signal.”
.
Batman: “Yes.”
.
Robin: “Why do we need both?”
.
Batman ponders.
.
Meanwhile, Riddler and Moth
are planning for their biggest heist, yet.
.
Riddler: “Yes, my sweet Moth!
Tomorrow, we will steal from the home of the richest man in Gotham!”
.
Moth: “You mean, Bruce
Wayne?!”
.
Riddler: “That’s right, my
sexy chickadee. Tomorrow, that handsome playboy Bruce Wayne’s millions will be
ours! Ours! Hee, hee, hee, hee!”
.
Moth: “Ooh, Riddly baby.
You’re making me hot, again.”
.
Riddler: “Yeah, Moth baby. Come
give your candle a kiss.”
.
Moth: “Oh, babe! Look up in
the sky!”
.
Riddler: “Drats! That dreaded
Bat signal. Good thing I hired a couple of henchmen, just in case. Anyway, hot
stuff, where were we?”
.
Moth: “Ooh baby, is that a
candle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
.
Riddler: “But, I don’t have
any pockets.”
.
Meanwhile, back at
Commissioner Gordon’s office.
.
Commissioner Gordon, Chief
O’Hara Jr., Batman and Robin are discussing the latest case gripping Gotham
City.
.
Gordon: “Batman, this Robin
Hood and Maid Marian case has driven our police force crazy.”
.
Chief: “We have no idea where
to start.”
.
Batman: “Well, commissioner.
Today, Robin and I went to two of the crime scenes, and found two clues.”
.
Gordon: “That’s amazing,
Batman!”
.
Chief: “Our police force
looked for clues everywhere, and found nothing. You truly are the world’s best
detective, Batman.”
.
Gordon: “What clues did you
find, Batman?”
.
Batman: “Believe it or not,
Commissioner. I found the two same riddles at each crime scene.”
.
Robin: “Holy question mark,
Batman!”
.
Batman: “That’s right, Robin.
Our Robin Hood might actually be the Riddler with a mystery woman sidekick.”
.
Chief: “Do you think so,
Batman?”
.
Batman: “Maybe we can find
out with these riddles.
.
Batman pulls out a couple of
pieces of paper.
.
Batman: “When does a bee not
fly?”
.
Robin: “When it’s a letter.”
.
Batman: “Very good, Robin.
Our first clue is the letter B.”
.
Gordon: “Excellent, dynamic
duo!”
.
Chief: “And the next riddle?”
.
Batman: “When do two letters become
one?”
.
Gordon: “Well, two U’s make a
W?”
.
Batman: “Double U. Excellent,
commissioner.”
.
Chief: “So we have initials B
and W? What could that mean?”
.
Robin: “Holy Bull Winkle,
Batman!”
.
Batman: “That’s right, Robin.
Bruce Wayne has the world-famous life-size glass moose in his mansion. Worth
millions.”
.
Robin: “That’s got to be Riddler’s
next heist.”
.
Batman: “Robin, we need to
get to Wayne Mansion before Riddler and Maid Marian get there.”
.
Gordon: “Do you want me to
send you some officers, Batman?”
.
Batman: “Not yet,
Commissioner. We don’t want to raise any suspicion from the Riddler and Maid
Marian. Robin and I will handle this ourselves. We will sneak into Wayne
Mansion, and make sure no harm comes to Mr. Wayne and anyone else. I will let
you know when to send your police force. Quickly, Robin! To the Batmobile!”
.
Meanwhile at Wayne Mansion,
Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler Alfred is tied to a chair and his mouth covered with
a handkerchief. Riddler and Moth, dressed up like Robin Hood and Maid Marian
are admiring the world-famous glass moose, surrounded by velvet rope barrier,
in one of the many luxurious rooms of Wayne Mansion. Alongside the dastardly
duo, are Riddler’s henchmen Q and A, dressed up like Robin Hood’s Merry Men.
.
Riddler: “Hee, hee, hee, hee!
Does Bruce Wayne think that he can really protect this valuable possession with
simple velvet rope!”
.
Moth: “Riddler, baby. How are
we going to haul that huge glass moose?”
.
Q: “Yeah, boss.”
.
A: “It looks pretty big and
heavy.”
.
Riddler: “Maybe Alfred here,
knows something about that.”
.
Riddler removes the
handkerchief from Alfred’s mouth.
.
Riddler: “Speak to me,
Alfred! Tell me how to release this moose!”
.
Alfred: “You’ll never get
anything out of me, you two-bit actor! You are an insult in the name of Robin
Hood!”
.
Riddler turns angry, braces
to slap Alfred.
.
Riddler: “Why you no good… ”
.
Suddenly, Batman and Robin smash
out of the glass moose, jumping into the scene of the crime.
.
Batman: “Riddler! If you
touch one hair of Bruce Wayne’s butler, I promise you’ll be pooping question
marks for a week!”
.
Robin: “Yeah! Question marks,
Riddler!”
.
Moth: “Wow, Batman. You know
you both just destroyed an expensive work of art?”
.
Batman: “Well Moth, fighting
crime has its costs.”
.
Riddler: “We were going to
steal that, you jerks!”
.
Batman: “Now, now, Riddler.
There’s no reason to start name calling.”
.
Moth: “How is it we didn’t
see you hiding in that glass moose, Batman?!”
.
Batman: “Bat mirrors, Moth.
Bat mirrors.”
.
Moth: “How did you find us?”
.
Robin: “We figured out
Riddler’s riddles.”
.
Moth: “You left riddles?!
Robin Hood doesn’t leave riddles!”
.
Batman: “You just can’t help
yourself, can you Riddler.”
.
Riddler: “Get them, boys!”
.
Batman and Robin commence
fisticuffs with Riddler and his henchmen. Pow! Bam! Wham! While Moth just
watches in disbelief.
.
Moth: “Ooh! Look at all those
Pows! Bams! Whams! That is so amazing! How do they do that?”
.
After brief fighting, Batman
and Robin defeat Riddler and his henchmen, tying up the villains together.
.
Q-Henchman: “I gave up my job
at Starbucks for this?”
.
A-Henchman: “You, too?”
.
Moth tries to run away, but
Alfred who remains tied to the chair, bites down on Moth’s cape.
.
Moth: “Leggo my cape! Leggo!”
.
Somehow, Moth manages to drag
Alfred and chair across the room. In the struggle Moth accidently tilts back
the head of Shakespeare’s bust to reveal a button. She presses the button,
opening a secret door revealing two sliding poles.
.
Moth: “Are those poles
leading to the garage?”
.
Alfred: “Uh, yes, Ms. Moth.
You know how eccentric billionaires can be. They can’t just walk to their car.
They need to slide down poles.”
.
Moth: “Well, I’m catching me
a ride!”
.
Alfred: “No, Ms. Moth! It’s
dangerous!”
.
Batman and Robin run in to
help Alfred. Batman throws a Batarang rope, stopping Moth from escaping down the
pole.
.
Moth: “Please don’t send me
to prison, Batman! Riddler and I did this for charity! We really wanted to be
like Robin Hood and Maid Marian!”
.
Batman: “Although your
intentions may be good, stealing is still a crime, Moth. There are other ways
to contribute to charity.”
.
Robin unties Alfred.
.
Batman: “Thank you, uh… ”
.
Alfred: “Alfred. Alfred
Pennyworth. Always happy to help the caped crusaders fight crime.”
.
Chief O’Hara Jr. and his
police force enter the scene to gather up the villains.
.
Chief: “Thanks, Batman. We’ll
take it from here. C’mon, Riddler. Back to your old cell.”
.
As Moth is taken away, she
turns to Batman.
.
Moth: “Please, Batman. I
really meant well. I guess I just didn’t go about it the right way.”
.
Batman: “Well, Moth. Maybe
someday you won’t be so tempted by the flame. But instead, give your light to
the world.”
.
Robin: “Holy poetry, Batman.”
.
A policewoman escorts Moth
away.
.
Robin: “Do you think Moth
finally learned her lesson?”
.
Batman: “Only the candle of
time can answer that, Robin. Only the candle of time.”
.
Robin: “O… kay. By the way.
Holy snowman, Batman! It’s freezing in here!”
.
Batman: “Robin, maybe we
should look into getting you some pants.”
.
At Gotham City court Riddler,
Moth, and the two henchmen await the verdict from the jury, along with plaintiff
Bruce Wayne and District Attorney Harvey Dent.
.
Judge: “Jury, what is your
verdict?”
.
Foreperson: “Your honor, the
jury declares Riddler, Moth, Ps, and Qs… ”
.
Q and A: “It’s Q and A!”
.
Foreperson: “Oops. Sorry. Q
and A, guilty on all counts.”
.
Judge: “Thank you, jury. We
will reconvene in one hour for my decision on the sentence.”
.
Riddler: “Oh well, it’ll be
good joining with my old buddies, again.” (Sighs)
.
Moth: “Oh, no! I don’t want
to go back to prison.”
.
A spectator catches Q’s
attention.
.
Spectator: “Hey. Aren’t you
the guy from Starbucks?”
.
Q bows his head in shame.
.
Just then, some spectators in
the court room approach the bench.
.
Man: “Please, judge! Don’t be
hard on them. Yeah, they stole from the rich. But they helped so many people.
They paid for my job training after I got laid off. And I’m going to have a job
interview next week.”
.
Woman: “And they paid for my
rent when I got sick and couldn’t work. Otherwise, my little boy and I would’ve
been out on the street.”
.
Ursula: “Riddler and Moth
really are like Robin Hood and Maid Marian. They paid for my little girl’s leg
braces. My little Audrey just stayed home all day, watching through the window
all the other kids playing. It makes me so happy to see her smiling now, and
playing with other kids. Can’t you give them a break, judge? They meant well.
They helped me and so many unfortunate people.”
.
Audrey: “Please, Mr. Judge?”
.
Bruce Wayne leans over to
whisper a brief discussion with Harvey Dent.
.
Harvey Dent: “Your honor. May
I approach the bench?”
.
Judge: “Yes, Mr. Dent. You
may approach the bench.”
.
Harvey Dent and the judge
whisper a brief discussion.
.
Judge: “I have come to a
decision. Riddler, Moth, Ps, and Qs… ”
.
Q and A: “It’s Q and A!”
.
Judge: “Ahem. Q and A. All
four of you will be sentenced to five years probation. But instead of jail
time, the four of you will work as paid entertainers on a weekly basis for various
charities as determined by the Wayne Foundation. Mr. Wayne will also provide
room and board for each of you. And I’d like to add one more thing to you
wealthy people out there. It’ll do you good to be more responsible citizens, and
being a contributing member of society, like Mr. Bruce Wayne, here. Instead of
playing games with our most unfortunate vulnerable citizens. Court dismissed.”
.
Judge bangs the gavel.
.
Moth: “Oh, thank you so much
Mr. Wayne! I really learned my lesson this time. How can I ever repay you?”
.
Bruce Wayne: “Just have a
good show and stay out of trouble.”
.
Riddler: “How come you never
age, Mr. Wayne?”
.
Bruce Wayne: “Well Riddler, I
eat right, get plenty exercise, no smoking or alcohol, enjoy a nice cold glass
of orange juice in the morning, or if you prefer something warm such as
chamomile tea or mint tea, and try to live a stress-free life.”
.
Riddler: “Yeesh. I didn’t
need to hear your whole life story.”
.
Moth: “Let’s go celebrate
Riddly, honey. We’re free! And we now have an honest day’s work!”
.
Riddler: “You’re right,
babe.”
.
Riddler and Moth leave the
court room happily arm in arm.
.
Bruce Wayne: “Thanks for
doing this, Harvey.”
.
Harvey Dent: “I just hope I
never regret it. Entertainers? Do you think those two can handle the stage?”
.
Bruce Wayne: “Are you
kidding? Moth has experience as an exotic dancer. And Riddler… didn’t you see
how animated he is? He’s a natural. He looks like a graduate from the William
Shatner school of acting.”
.
Harvey Dent: “Okay, okay, Bruce.
Just let me know when’s the first show. I don’t want to miss it.”
.
Bruce Wayne: “I’ll get you
front row seats.”
.
One month later, at the
Gotham City Playhouse. Riddler is dressed in a loose-fitting Batman costume,
while Moth is dressed in a very tight revealing Robin costume, fighting crime
on stage in front of a packed house, including Bruce Wayne sitting next to
Harvey Dent.
.
Q and A, dressed up as
villain mimes, have Moth tied up tightly in their invisible rope, pulling her
slowly into a pit teeming with imaginary crocodiles. Moth struggles while men
in the audience are salivating her sexy performance. An astonished mother
covers her son’s eyes.
.
Riddler swings into the scene
on the Batrope.
.
Moth: “Oh help me, Batman
baby! The evil mimes are pulling me into a pit full of hungry crocodiles!”
.
Harvey Dent whispers: “Batman
baby?”
.
Bruce Wayne whispers: “Okay.
So, we have to work out few kinks.”
Harvey Dent whispers: “Funny
you mention kinks.”
.
Riddler: “Have no fear,
Robin! I will save you from those evil mimes! You call that a rope? This is a
rope!”
.
Riddler hurls another Batrope,
tying up the two evil mimes. The police enter the scene, then take the villains
away. Riddler approaches Moth who continues pretending to be tied up.
.
Moth: “We did it again,
Batman.”
.
Riddle: “Yes, Robin. As long
as there is evil, Batman and Robin will always be there to stop the bad guys.”
.
Moth: “But we’ll take some
time for ourselves, once in a while. Right, Batman?”
.
Riddler: “Yes, we will Moth.
Yes, we will. To the Batcave!”
.
Riddler and Moth kiss. The
curtain drops to a standing ovation from the entire audience. The curtain is
raised for Riddler, Moth, Q, and A to take a bow. Moths costume reveals a bit
too much during her bow, so the mother covers her son’s eyes again, as the
curtain drops to a continuing standing ovation.